TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of place. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more location exactly where American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: supply Anyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he must stop making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You understand, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from space, a element being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the creating's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting focus from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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